Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics by Weird Al Yankovic
(from the album Running With Scissors)
Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics
AQUARIUS!
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes
to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-
Mole 17 hours a day
PISCES!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what
those idiots at work say
ARIES!
The look on your face will be priceless when you find
that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a
hickey to Meryl Streep
TAURUS!
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna
do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
GEMINI!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your
explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble your fiance
hurls a javelin through your chest
CANCER!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the
rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while
taking your driver's test
LEO!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and
staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it
down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
VIRGO!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -
except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with
your head impaled upon a stick
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least
a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets
and the stars could have a special deep significance or
meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let
me give you my assurance that these forecasts and
predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of
moron not to realize that every single one of them is
absolutely true.
Where was I?
LIBRA!
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone
much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that
when your appendix bursts next week
SCORPIO!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall
screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your
low self esteem, you stupid freak
SAGITTARIUS!
All your friends are laughing behind your back...
kill them
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
you've got hanging in your den
CAPRICORN!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful
person... but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never
never never never never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
Download Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics
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Other Lyrics from Running With Scissors
Germs Lyrics- Grapefruit Diet Lyrics
- Its All About The Pentiums Lyrics
My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder Lyrics- Polka Power! Lyrics
- Pretty Fly For A Rabbi Lyrics
- The Saga Begins Lyrics
- The Weird Al Show Theme Lyrics
- Truck Drivin' Song Lyrics
Other Weird Al Yankovic Albums
- Straight Outta Lynwood Lyrics
- Poodle Hat Lyrics
- Bad Hair Day Lyrics
- The TV Album Lyrics
- Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 Lyrics
- The Food Album Lyrics
- Alapalooza Lyrics
- Off The Deep End Lyrics
Weird Al Yankovic News
- Mom, 'weird Al' Influenced Band - Deseret News
And they led me to my other real musical influence, 'Weird Al' Yankovic." His affinity for Yankovic came by default, he said, but it remains strong.
deseretnews.com 
La Cucaracha - Popmatters
Weird Al Yankovic is funny and tries to make that kind of music, but we’re not really like that… We just try to keep it simple and scummy in Ween.
popmatters.com- 2007 International Songwriting Competition Deadline Extended - Cybergrass
... Ray Davies (The Kinks); Hinder; Julian Casablancas (The Strokes); Kenny Wayne Shepherd; Ornette Coleman; Youssou N'Dour; Sean Paul; "Weird Al" Yankovic;
cybergrass.com - Carey Has Own Perfume - Youngstown Vindicator
Parodist "Weird Al" Yankovic is 48. Rock musician Robert Trujillo (Metallica) is 43. Rhythm-and-blues singer David Thomas (Take 6) is 41.
vindy.com - Weird As He Wants To Be - College Times
Weird Al Yankovic has been one of America ’s premiere satirists for more than 30 years. His parodies of popular songs by such artists as Michael Jackson,
ecollegetimes.com - Weird Al Yankovic Returns To Radio Roots To Dedicate Cal Poly's ... - Ksby
Architecture alum and music man Weird Al Yankovic returns to Cal Poly to dedicate the new KCPR studios. A disc jockey at the old studios,
ksby.com - Life And Times Of 'weird Al' - San Luis Obispo Tribune
No wonder VH1 had trouble finding skeletons in Weird Al’s closet for its 1999 “Behind the Music” special. “Every ‘Behind the Music’ had a certain point,
sanluisobispo.com - ‘weird Al’ Yankovic Returning To Cal Poly - Lompoc Record
On Tuesday, Oct. 9, with a 7 pm early curtain at the Cohan Center, Cal Poly Arts will present “Weird Al” Yankovic, backed by his longtime band.
lompocrecord.com - Review: Weird Al Straight Outta The Adler - Quad-cities Online
If you ever get the chance to see Weird Al, put aside any biases you may have and get a ticket. It'll be one of the most entertaining and amusing concerts
qconline.com 
"weird Al" Yankovic: King Of Nerds - Chartattack
"Weird Al" Yankovic: Now I'm king of the nerds. I've always been a nerd. I think that should be pretty obvious. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
chartattack.com
